Winning at Home | Love and Marriage

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[Music]
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welcome to week three of winning at home
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to our friends in Saginaw and Monroe
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hello if you're watching online welcome
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throughout this series we've been
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partnering with some friends at a church
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in Illinois to bring you some Biblical
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teaching and some online resources and
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some engagement opportunities especially
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for our for our students and our kids we
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actually have a middle school fall
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weekend coming up next week and and all
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of these things have been designed to
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help you win at home and this is a
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really big series for us as a church
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because everyone wants to win at home so
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I hope you've been using some of those
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online resources and I hope you've
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actually already started to see some of
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those wins
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today we're going to talk specifically
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about what the Bible teaches on marriage
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and how that relates to us winning at
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home but what we're going to see is that
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while we're going to talk about what the
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Bible teaches on marriage this is really
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a message for all of us whether we're
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married or not because what we'll see is
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that God actually designed marriage to
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be this experiential understanding of
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what a relationship with Jesus is all
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about and a relationship with Jesus
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doesn't require us to be married in fact
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what makes a relationship with Jesus
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comparable to marriage is that both of
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them require us to love and submit so
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what we're going to talk about what the
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Bible teaches on marriage really what
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we're talking about is love
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and submission so I wanted to share with
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you uh an example about on how love and
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submission regularly show up in in one
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of my relationships at home actually
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this one's with my three-year-old son we
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often weekly if not three or four times
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a week have a conversation that goes
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almost identically like this if you're a
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parent that's ever parented a
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three-year-old you've probably had
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something similar it starts like this
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hey buddy it's time to put the guitar
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down and get ready to go I'll say that
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and then he'll say
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why
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to which I'll say oh oh because it's
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time to go and you still need pants on
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and you can't put pants on while you're
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playing guitar
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to which he'll say
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but why right some of you have had this
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conversation and then I'd start to be
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reasonable so I say okay are you asking
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why you can't put the pants on while
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playing guitar or why do you have to
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stop playing guitar
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and he'll say why do I have to put pants
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on to which I'll say because we need to
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go to which he'll say you already know
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what he's going to say
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but why
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and at this point I just say something
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like
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I'm going to take away all of the things
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you love if you don't drop that guitar
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in three seconds
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and put some pants on three
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two and when I get to two the guitar
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always gets thrown on the ground and he
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runs to his room yelling
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but why Daddy and at this point I don't
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even remember why anymore so I say just
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do it
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because I said so
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and at that moment I cave in right any
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parent who's been there you know there's
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something about saying because I said so
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that's both defeating
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but also satisfying right
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look I want my son I desperately want
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him to know exactly why I'm telling him
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to do the things I'm telling him to do
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but I also just want him to do them
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because I said so like I want him to
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just just submit to me because he wants
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to submit to me
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in the same way we were created by God
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with the ability to choose whether or
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not to follow his way
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in his perfect plan we submit to his way
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because he says so
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but to go a little further God inspires
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us to submit to his way
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through the way he loves us
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I mean that's the gospel message isn't
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it
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that God is love and he loves us and he
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created us out of that love to bring him
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honor and Glory
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and then he made a way he gives us
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instruction for for how to live best
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because he knows what's best for us and
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then he calls us to submit to his way
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but anytime we deny or reject or dismiss
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or fail to obey God's way we we sin
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and what happens when we sin is we break
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that relationship with God we're
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separated from him relationally and the
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consequence of our sin is
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death
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but remember God loves us
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so in response to our Rebellion
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God demonstrates his love in a whole new
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way he sent us Jesus to die on the cross
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to pay the price for our sin and then he
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raised Jesus from the dead to save us
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from even the consequence of our sin to
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restore us relationally to himself
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when we put our trust in Jesus's death
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and Resurrection we are saved and then
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God says but don't go back to living for
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yourself
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now that you've seen the demonstration
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of my love follow
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Jesus
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that's that's the gospel that's that's
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the good news and then we read in first
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John chapter 3
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that this is how we know what love is
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that Jesus Christ laid down his life for
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us and we also ought to lay down our
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lives for our brothers and sisters
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he first loved us so we're called to
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love one another
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I've been trying with my son when I get
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to that moment where I just want to say
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because I said so I've been trying to
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say no it's because I love you but
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sometimes
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it's just not as satisfying if I'm
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honest I'm still work in progress
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to bring this back to marriage
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when Jesus calls us to to follow him
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what he's really calling us to do is to
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put our trust in his love and to submit
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to his way
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marriage is a relationship it's a
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special sort of relationship that God
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created and designed to be a
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representation of what God's love is
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like of what Jesus did for us
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our marriages are meant to be a replica
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of the way Jesus loves the church that's
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why this is so important to God and
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that's why when Paul is instructing the
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first century Church on the way of Jesus
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he gives careful and Specific
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Instructions
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for married people so in Ephesians
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chapter 5 where we're going to hang out
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for for most of today we're gonna we're
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gonna hear the instructions that Paul
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gives specifically to wives and husbands
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but the principles he talks about are
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really for all of us whether we're
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married or not
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Ephesians chapter 5 verse 21
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it says this submit to one another
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out of reverence for Christ
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and church that really is all of it
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right there
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everything else I'm going to say the
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rest of this message can be summed up in
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that one sentence
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submit to one another
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out of reverence for Christ
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you want to win at home
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figure out how to consistently apply
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that first
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what does it mean to submit to one
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another out of reverence for Christ
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what it means it means we put the needs
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of others
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ahead of Our Own
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submitting to one another is a race to
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the back of the line
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whether we're married or we're not
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married submitting to one another says
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I'm going to humble myself and put
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myself under the people around me and
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Paul says when we do that we show
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reverence we show respect for Christ
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because that was the way of Jesus that
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is the way of Jesus
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Jesus taught and modeled submission to
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the father even unto death
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what might it look like
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for you
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to submit to one another at home
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what might it look like for you to put
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the needs of the people at home in front
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of your own
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if we could all
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discover decide commit to taking a Next
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Step
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in submitting to one another can you
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imagine the wins we might start to
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experience at home I cannot over
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emphasize verse 21 submit to one
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another's
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out of reverence for Christ
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so then Paul turns to the wives
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specifically and he teaches like this he
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says wives submit to your own husbands
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as you do to the Lord for the husband is
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the head of the wife as Christ is the
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head of the church his body of which he
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is the savior now as the church submits
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to Christ so also wives should submit to
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their husbands in everything
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now this instruction hinges on the the
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things the principles we've been talking
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about
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that when Jesus invites us to follow him
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he's calling us to submit to him as Lord
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that's why Paul instructs wives submit
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as to the Lord
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why do wives submit to their husbands
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why are they asked to submit to their
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husbands because Christ submitted to the
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father check out what Jesus says in John
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chapter 6.
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he says for I have come down from heaven
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not to do my will but to do the will of
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him who sent me and this is what is said
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about him in Hebrews chapter 5. during
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the days of Jesus's life on Earth he
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offered up prayers and petitions with
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fervent cries and tears to the one who
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could save him from death and he was
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heard because of his reverent submission
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son though he was he learned obedience
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from what he suffered and once made
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perfect he became the source of Eternal
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salvation for all who obey him
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when wives choose to submit to their
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husbands
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they're they're showing that they're
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following
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Jesus
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see part of the reason why
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why marriages are so important to God
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is because marriages are are one of the
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the best places where we can demonstrate
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submission to God's way
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and marriages have been under attack
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from the beginning because submission to
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God's way has always been under attack
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Satan wants us to reject and dismiss and
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deny and fail
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to follow God's way he wants us to sin
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everything we're asked to do in marriage
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comes back to God's design that he loves
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us
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he loves us
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and he's made a way for us he's he he
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he's prepared a way for us but we have
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to choose
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to trust
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and obey
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in verse 23 Paul says that Christ is the
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head of the church and as the head of
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the church the church is is called to
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submit to his way and it's in the same
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way that wives are called to submit to
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their husbands as to the Lord
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so I asked my wife
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if if she could explain how she hears
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this when she hears this instruction
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like what does it mean for her how does
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it play out in her life and this is what
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she said
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she said for her it means that in
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everything she takes into into
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consideration my needs and my wants
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whether I'm there or not she's always
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asking herself
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how would Misha think about this what
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what sort of decision would he make in
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this situation
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see for her it's not about waiting for
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me to to make a request so she can
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comply or or to make a decision so she
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can agree for her it's about always
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carrying with her my heart and my
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character in the decisions
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that she makes
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and I love that because I really do
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think that's kind of what Paul's getting
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at for all of us
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if we could just carry around in our
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hearts what is the heart of Christ
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what's the mindset of Christ and we and
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we considered that before we made a
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decision if we really just ask ourselves
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what would Jesus do
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I mean think about think about the wins
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we might experience at home
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and while you're at it if you're a
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bracelet maker I think that what would
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Jesus do would be a really good idea
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okay you heard it here first
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so so Paul instructs the wise and then
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he turns to the husbands and he says
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this husbands
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love your wives just as Christ loved the
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church and gave himself up for her to
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make her holy cleansing her by the
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washing with water through the word and
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to present her to himself as a Radiant
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Church Without stain or wrinkle or any
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other blemish but holy and blameless
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husbands you're called the love of your
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wives we are called to love our wives
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because Jesus first
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loved us which means
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husbands we need to set aside our own
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agendas
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and prioritize the well-being of our
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wives ahead of Our Own
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a few years ago my family took a road
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trip to Colorado
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and on the long drive back we listened
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to this audiobook about Big Dreams
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and we came up with some big dreams my
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wife and I came up with Big Dreams for
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ourselves for our family for our future
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and then we shared them with each other
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and as we as my wife was sharing her
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dreams with me I I added one to my list
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and it's my number one and to this day
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my biggest dream for my life is to make
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all of Britney's dreams come true
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it doesn't mean that I don't still have
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some it doesn't mean that I'm not still
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working on goals and and aspirations of
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my own but it means that hers
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are a priority
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so over the past few years the way that
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we spend our time and the way that we
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spend our money in the way that we the
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way that we fill our schedule
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is dramatically changed because we're
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prioritizing her dreams it's one of the
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ways that I demonstrate my love
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for her
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how much did Jesus love the church
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enough to be nailed to a cross
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husbands you want to know what the bar
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is for loving your wife according to
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Ephesians chapter 5.
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Jesus
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who loved the church and gave himself up
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for her
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which means
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husbands loving our wives is more
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important than getting what we want
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what might you need to give up in order
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to love your wife like Christ loves the
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church
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if you don't know the answer to that
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if you would ask your wife my guess is
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that she could probably tell you
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something
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and if you're sitting there thinking
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well I know what she would say
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you should probably give that thing up
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your marriage is just too important
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in my 11 plus years of being married
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I've given up many things
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I've given up uh fantasy sports I've
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given up
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playing pickup ball in the evenings I've
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given up playing video games
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uh obviously Sports was kind of my first
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love you know I kind of had to I kind of
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had to give that up and I've given up
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doing anything on Monday except spending
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time with my family my marriage is more
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important to me than Sports
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just this past Tuesday uh my wife had a
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had a scheduling conflict with with a
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field trip and both my wife and I had
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work stuff that we needed to do and I
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said hey you keep your work schedule
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I'll go on the field trip and I'll I'll
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figure it out and look I know that's a
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little thing I know these may seem like
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little things
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anytime we give something up in response
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to what Jesus did for us
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what we're doing is we're demonstrating
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that we follow Jesus and we're being an
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example to our wife of what our love
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looks like
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it's important
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Paul goes on he he writes this he says
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that
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Christ loved the church and gave himself
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up for her to make her holy cleansing
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her by the washing with water through
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the word and to present her to himself
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as a Radiant Church Without stain or
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wrinkle or any other blemish but holy
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and blameless and and this is in
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interesting to me because it's like okay
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he's talking about marriage you know
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husbands but then all of a sudden he's
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really just talking about Christ and the
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church and he made this transition
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without letting us know that he was
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transitioning and and what he says is is
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profound he's like Jesus was so
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compelled by his love for the church
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that he gave his life for her and when
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he gave his life for the church what
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happened was he made her holy and he
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allows us the church to now come to him
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as a radiant bride without stain or
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wrinkle or any other blemish blemish but
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holy and blameless
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Jesus's death makes us holy
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that's that's good news
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see
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when we follow this instruction for
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marriage what happens is our marriages
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become
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a way that we reenact the gospel story
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the husband's actions mimic Jesus his
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love and self-sacrifice
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and the wives actions mimic the church
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her willingness to be loved and made new
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now don't get me wrong husbands you
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cannot make your wife holy only Jesus
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can do that Paul is specifically talking
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about what Jesus does there but in so
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doing he's also instructing us to love
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so extravagantly
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so sacrificially
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that we would be willing to give up our
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lives out of love for our life
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you want to win at home
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do you really
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love
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selflessly
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what might be your next step
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in loving like Christ loved the church
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Paul wraps up this section by saying
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this in the same way husbands ought to
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love their wives as their own bodies he
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who loves his wife loves himself after
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all no one ever hated their own body but
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they feed and care for their body just
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as Christ does the church for we are
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members of his body and then he quotes
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Genesis he here he says for this reason
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a man will leave his father and mother
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and be United to his wife and the two
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will become one flesh and this is a
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profound mystery but I'm talking about
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Christ and the church however each one
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of you must also love his wife as he
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loves himself and the wife must respect
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her husband and I'm reading this and
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it's like okay
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he's talking he's like using marriage
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words but he's really talking about
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something so much bigger
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because in this entire in this entire
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passage Paul is describing to us what a
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relationship with Jesus ought to look
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like
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see
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marital love was always designed to be
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Selfless Love
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so how do we demonstrate that Selfless
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Love for one another Paul says in verse
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33 we'll show each other love
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and respect
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when wives show respect to their
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husbands and when husbands demonstrate
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love to their wives we become a picture
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for each other of what Jesus is like and
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sometimes just as importantly we become
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this incredible witness to the world
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of who Jesus is
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see what Paul's getting at in this
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section is really something remarkable
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okay coming back to that first verse
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When in marriage when we submit to one
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another out of reverence for Christ and
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we demonstrate that through love and
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respect God does something incredible he
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takes our two lives
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and through our Selfless Love and
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commitment he forges one new identity
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only God can do that this is what Jesus
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says
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he says so they are no longer two but
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one flesh therefore what God has joined
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together let no one separate see in
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marriage when we submit to one another
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out of reverence for Christ we form One
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new
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identity but
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when we hold on
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to our selfish desires and wants we miss
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out on the Oneness that marriage was
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designed
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to be we miss the mark
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of God's way and
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our marriage is often wind up
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empty
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this is why Paul talks about
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how we take care of our bodies in verse
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29. he says look when your body is when
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you get hungry you might get grumpy but
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you don't get mad at your body for being
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hungry
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when you're hungry you go get some food
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and you fill your body up because your
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body can't survive very long without
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food
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in the same way our marriages can't
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survive
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if they're empty
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the way we fill them up is through
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demonstrating love and respect see when
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our bodies don't get the sustenance they
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need they break down at their most
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vulnerable places and when our marriages
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don't get what they need
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they break down at the most vulnerable
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places
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so how do we how do we keep each other
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full through demonstrating love and
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respect
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and one of the best resources that I've
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found for for how we can understand how
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we best give and receive love is this
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thing called the five love languages
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maybe you've heard of this Gary Chapman
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coined this term he wrote a book about
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it
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the love languages are are ways that we
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understand how we best receive love and
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how others best receive love and this is
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useful for everyone whether you're
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married you're not married if you're
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dating if you're engaged even for like
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understanding our kids
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even for self-awareness here's what the
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five love languages are first one is
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words of affirmation these are the words
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we say sometimes we write sometimes we
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sing
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to communicate our love for someone
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the next one is quality time
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key word here is quality this is time
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that we spend intentionally investing on
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deepening the relationship
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the next one is acts of service this is
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my top love language acts of service are
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the things that we do for someone else
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to demonstrate we love them I feel most
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loved when someone knows something on my
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to-do list and takes it off for me
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because they love me
23:06
the next one is physical touch
23:08
this isn't just sexual touch this is any
23:10
way we use Touch or proximity
23:13
to communicate selflessly that we love
23:16
someone
23:17
and the fifth one is gifts
23:19
gifts are our way of saying well here's
23:21
here's an example of how I've been
23:23
thinking about you when when we weren't
23:25
together or here's a token a
23:27
demonstration of my love for you
23:30
do you know your love language
23:33
do you know your spouses
23:35
if you're engaged or dating do you know
23:38
how the other person best gives and
23:39
receives love
23:43
I learned the hard way early on in my
23:46
marriage that you're supposed to give
23:48
the other person what they receive best
23:50
early on first few years of my marriage
23:52
I'd spend like all day cleaning the
23:54
house or I'd spend all weekend in the
23:55
garage in the yard doing house projects
23:57
and then Brittany came to me one day and
23:59
was like actually I'm really thankful
24:01
for all the stuff you're doing but
24:03
I never get to see you when you do that
24:07
she said I would much rather have a
24:09
messy house and spend time with you than
24:12
to have all this stuff done and you
24:14
disappear for the weekend see I was
24:16
giving her acts of service because
24:18
that's how I received love best but what
24:20
she needed was quality time
24:23
okay that's just kind of scratching the
24:25
surface of of the love language stuff if
24:27
you want to know more you can get the
24:29
book the point is God
24:32
demonstrated his love for us through
24:34
Jesus and so we also ought to
24:37
demonstrate our love
24:39
for one another it's how we fill our
24:41
marriages up
24:44
and again the reason why we're focusing
24:46
specifically on marriages is because
24:48
there is this unique spiritual reality
24:50
to that sort of relationship that is an
24:54
example both to each other and to the
24:55
world about what a relationship with
24:57
Jesus
24:58
is like that's why Paul says in verse 32
25:01
it's a profound mystery but I'm actually
25:03
talking about Christ and the church
25:08
our marriage relationships are designed
25:10
to paint a picture to the world of what
25:12
Jesus
25:14
is like
25:15
so how do we do that
25:17
how do we hit reset if that used to be
25:19
kind of our our goal but it hasn't been
25:21
how do we start there if it's never been
25:23
how do we how do we keep going if it has
25:26
been
25:27
the answer goes back to that very first
25:31
sense
25:32
submit to one another
25:34
out of reverence for Christ
25:38
what does it mean for us
25:40
put the needs of others
25:42
ahead of Our Own
25:45
wives husbands singles if we can
25:47
consistently apply that verse imagine
25:50
imagine the winds
25:52
we might see
25:54
so what's your next step
25:56
in submitting to one another in response
25:58
to what Jesus has done for you
26:00
if you know the answer to that you know
26:02
what to do
26:03
in order to help you with this or to
26:06
keep this conversation going we did put
26:08
together a resource for you uh that
26:10
we're that we want you to to try this
26:13
week okay for every couple we want you
26:15
to go on a date night all right
26:18
and this date night is really about can
26:20
starting or amplifying this conversation
26:22
about how can your relationship look a
26:24
little bit more like Jesus okay
26:28
the rule is you can't like bicker and
26:31
complain about how you've done this in
26:33
the past okay starting with this date
26:35
night you can only do it if you're
26:37
willing to say hey wherever we're at
26:39
we're going to move forward representing
26:42
Christ's love for the church okay so we
26:45
got these date night challenge cards
26:48
you can grab them on your way out
26:51
the only thing you gotta do before you
26:53
start this is choose a restaurant which
26:55
for some of you may be the most
26:57
difficult part of the entire day okay
26:59
but if you can survive agreeing on the
27:01
restaurant then this this date night is
27:04
is a bit of an experiential Journey with
27:07
some guided discussions oh you you can
27:09
find all eight steps on this front QR
27:12
code or you can go step by step just one
27:15
at a time just only pull your phone out
27:17
to scan the QR codes okay
27:19
here's the deal we want this to help you
27:21
have a conversation some of these are
27:23
are things to do
27:25
some of these are places to go some of
27:28
these are questions to ask each other
27:32
would you give that a try
27:34
and look I know one date isn't going to
27:37
change everything
27:39
but I also know that if our
27:41
marriages if our relationships are going
27:43
to model Christ's love for the church
27:45
it's going to happen one step at a time
27:50
so we take a step
27:52
just a step today
27:55
when we follow God's instructions for
27:59
marriage
28:01
then our spouses our kids our parents
28:05
our grandkids our siblings our friends
28:08
our neighbors they get a glimpse of
28:11
Jesus
28:13
and my prayer for you
28:16
is that when people see your life and if
28:18
you're married when people see your
28:20
marriage my prayer is that they will see
28:22
something that brings honor and Glory to
28:25
god let's pray
28:30
God thank you
28:33
thank you for
28:35
for making us out of your love
28:37
and thank you for Designing this really
28:39
special relationship
28:42
that both allows us to experience your
28:45
love in new ways
28:48
to demonstrate it in new ways
28:51
and to see it in others in new ways
28:55
so God as we go from here and as we seek
28:57
to follow you
29:00
may you may you give us the Courage the
29:03
energy the willingness to forgive
29:06
give us whatever we need to move forward
29:10
in your direction
29:12
and God as we do May to you be all the
29:14
honor and Glory
29:16
amen